Last check up or so I assumed

12 Jan 2024.

Last check up or so I assumed. Time is just ticking cuz you already there 39 weeks. 

My biggest mistake is to look strong physically and mentally. So both Mummy and Daddy went there to find out the options that we have. 

Until - 

Dr Yusrina "air ketuban nampak mcm dah berkurang. Saya tak boleh bagi awak deliver ikut due date"

Me "and the best option is?"

Dr Yusrina "sekarang ni, terpulang pada awak. Nak masuk esok? Lusa?"

Hubby "16hb boleh ke?" (Knowing clearly his birthday is on 16th)

Dr Yusrina "boleh"

Me (hesitate thinking anything can happen in the next few days) "ahad boleh doktor?"

Dr Yusrina "ok. Tengahari ya"

Our Friday appointment was set up later at 3pm that day. It was nearly 5pm when I decided to admit myself on Sunday. 

Your dad on the other hand, is more than thankful to have you safe. That's it. 

Alhamdulillah. Not a fussy husband at this point. 

We went home after. 

Allah knows my fear, anxiously waiting for He knows what's next. 

Belajar

 Yang kini dilihat kuat

Dulu yang paling belajar

Lelah mengeluh lesap sementara

Tuhan saja tahu ringannya bahu

Engkau malah terbiasa

Menjadi cangkuk ke mana mana

Yang lebih ditarik, bukan menarik

Yang lebih mahu ditolak, bukan menolak

Mahu disuap, bukan menyuap.

Aku minta untuk menjadi manfaat, pendorong

Lalu Allah beri jalan

Menjadi penghuni syurga yang lebih baik

Silap aku lupa. Ke syurga itu bukan lurus

Menjadi baik itu cukup - menjadi lebih baik itu cara Tuhan beritahu

Yang kau lebih dari mampu.

Belajar lah kalian, menjadi orang berilmu

Bukan untuk kesenangan duniawi

Tapi untuk faham cara Tuhan

Tuding jari pada diri

Sebelum taksub menyalahkan setan

Jangan kalah dulu

Belajar sampai kau tahu

Belajar sampai dunia ketagihkan kau

Belajar sampai Allah yakin "Kau boleh lagi dan Aku akan beri lagi"

Percaya janji Tuhan.

Tuhan tak kata mudah tapi akan ada penyelesaian. 

Fahamlah bila Tuhan kata ini cara Aku. 

Penutup 2023

Ke hadapan dunia sementara penuh barakah,

Aku pilih untuk terus jadi optimistik untuk masa mendatang. Setakat ini, masih mampu bertahan. 

Too much to tell, but when you read this dear self - remember that you once loved everyone and you are not forgetting. You just decide to keep those who worthy. 

January 2023

Vibes masih sama untuk celebrate birthday of my eldest sister and my most loving husband! 

Always ka-ching with cakes and gifts and ways to make every year interesting. But as time goes by - we found out that the only essential part is family stick together at all times. 

March 2023

Celebrating 1-year post miscarriage with all the pantang larang. Puasa laksa setahun. And all of other junks deemed not good for recovery.

May 2023

We were very careful to announce another bun in the oven. Sangat sangat berhati hati. We sinply don't want more souls crushing. Cukuplah 365 hari yang lepas. Took me a year to emotionally recovered. Farid always know the cues.

Anything can tick you. 

The triggered point was I know my body was not quite right. I was breathing but simply a wrong way to live. 

While Farid simpan angan-angan nak beli motor baru. I was committed to be a supportive wife, of course. 

Long story short - I told Farid "Give me a day to think about it". He was happy enough knowing I was actually considering. Later that night - I tried to keep it low. Took a test and it was +ve. 

Nak bagitahu now or tomorrow?

I was shocked more than I cried. Apparently not a single tear. Told Farid - he acted the other way around. Motor baru is no longer in the picture. 

The reply was still fresh - "we're gonna have a baby. I'm gonna be ayah soon?"

And that's how May worked for us. 

Some time in 2023?

Plan nak earn extra money. I have always wanted a part time job but terpaling mudah punya kerja. 

Rezeki Allah bagi - the money I earned and more are not for us. I got scammed into thinking the job was legit. Bye bye 10k. Even bold enough to borrow. 

Tapi syukur ada suami seperti Farid yang sangat sabar dengan perangai wife dia. 

It was clearly working day and he got to the phone and rang me.. "it's okay love, we're gonna do this together"

Somehow I felt so calm and never told him about it. It was from being totally terrified probably be threaten and died? To being the happiest person cuz I made the right choice by marrying him. 

Nak dijadikan cerita. I owe people money. And luckily my math is still good to do advance calculation to how much of repayment can be managed. 

Allah Maha Baik untuk memberi peringatan yang harta dunia adalah sementara.

December 2023

Fast forward to my baby, whereas now you are 37 weeks. I admit that I have my doubt. The trauma is still fresh. 

This time around - we decided to just be healthy as we can be. Be generous and kind as much possible. 

The daily reminders of we're going to be parent soon work both ways. Farid never fails to remind my eating window. While me on the other hand, thrive to get him puasa maki setahun cuz daddy doesn't do that. Hahaha.

There you go. 

Dear self - 2023 has its ups and downs. Be positive. Believe in Allah's plan. 

Sekali lagi

 Aku tahu sakit yang ini. 

Seperti yang lama. Tapi keterlaluan agaknya kalau aku berwaspada selalu. 

Wallahualam. 

Rezeki Tuhan jangan dicabar. Tuhan beri peluang berkeluarga untul kali kedua. 

Aku terkadang lupa apa aku usahakan, tapi tak mahu sampai membanggakan. Cukup lah sekadar ada. Lepaslah makan pakainya. 

Awal Mei kali ini terasa hangatnya lagi. 

Aku tunggu garisan dua. Kerana aku cuma mahu kepastian. 

Kali ini benar. Kau terjadikan. 

Risaunya hati kalau mati sekali lagi. 

Aku gagahkan jiwa menjadi yang paling jati. Supaya nanti aku juangkan, kata aku sudah berbakti. 

4 minggu usia kamu anakku. 

Kau perlu lihat tangis ayahmu. Dia sudah di situ. Di tempat sepatutnya. Tunggukan masa.